Muses

Trapped.

That word seems to sum up a lot of what I feel, at times. It isn't that I'm not busy enough and am stuck in the house, or even that I really feel trapped, not at all. It's just that at times, I look around myself and wonder what I'm doing with my life... Am I making the most of it? Am I living it to its full potential, or am I wasting it away? Can I really DO anything right now, while I'm still stuck in high school? Maybe once I'm out, it will be better, but I'm not so sure. This whole feeling was only intenified as I walked to Allie's this afternoon because there were no cars for me to drive down at that time... I was walking down her neighborhood after I got off the street, and I was just looking around myself and thinking about nothing...but also about something. I look up at the sky, and it seems almost artificial... I look at the trees and they seem painted on a canvas... Why? Why can nothing seem truely real unless clouds are covering the sky like they do for eight months straight, here? It's probably just the mood I get in sometimes.

The thing is, all I want to do with my life is something that school won't help me with. I want to help people, all people, old, young, drug addicts, over active teens. Everyone. I don't want to stay stationary and I certainly don't want to sit in a cubical all day. I want to help, do something to make me feel better about myself, but mostly to help a person see that they are something, as well.

This feeling had only intensified over the years, as I've had trouble and gotten through some of my own issues, and I asked for no help... Nothing. I wanted no one in my business, and I never let them. And then one of my best friends went through issues worse than mine a few years back, and I didn't know until it was over and done, and I should have... I really should have.

Last year Allie and I met a girl who was new to the school. She was different from everyone, and had one friend who was already there when she came. Her friend was completely different from her, someone I still can't believe she hangs around with... Where one is reserved, the other plasters herself everywhere... where one you could trust with anything, the other goes and tells someone as soon as she can.

Allie and I hit it off with this girl right off, and I could tell that she wasn't exactly...happy. She was acting like my other friend did the year before, but I wasn't friends enough to ask if I could do anything to help. She became closer to us, to the point where we're extremely close, today.

one thing I'll nevr forget her telling me is this...

"Jeni, you and Allie have done so much... I actually know what it's like to have a real friend, now, and I feel like coming to school is something to look forward to instead of something to dread."

It was said nonchalantly, like I should already know it, and being the baby I am, I cried, because all we did was be good friends to her. She stopped cutting... stopped hating and blaming herself for things. If we could help her by just being her friends...what else could we do?

I just finished a book today by the title, "Go Ask Alice." It was the diary of a fifteen year old drug addict, and it was one of the best books I have ever read. I read about anything and everything, and man, this was an awesome read. It was sad, a lot of it made me cry-I'm a baby, remember?-and the way it ended, though I knew it was coming, was a blow. If you're looking for a good read, I reccomend it. There is no listed author, but just google it or go to amazon.

A girl around my age died in a wreck he other day... I didn't know her, but a girl I work with did. It shows you how fragil life is, and how you have to live it and do what you can with the time you have left. She went to my church, and you know? It made me feel almost... elated? Like yeah, she would be fine because she was a practicing Catholic, that God would take care of her.

My, I'm feeling rather inspirational tonight.

God bless,
Jeni