Muses

Trapped.

That word seems to sum up a lot of what I feel, at times. It isn't that I'm not busy enough and am stuck in the house, or even that I really feel trapped, not at all. It's just that at times, I look around myself and wonder what I'm doing with my life... Am I making the most of it? Am I living it to its full potential, or am I wasting it away? Can I really DO anything right now, while I'm still stuck in high school? Maybe once I'm out, it will be better, but I'm not so sure. This whole feeling was only intenified as I walked to Allie's this afternoon because there were no cars for me to drive down at that time... I was walking down her neighborhood after I got off the street, and I was just looking around myself and thinking about nothing...but also about something. I look up at the sky, and it seems almost artificial... I look at the trees and they seem painted on a canvas... Why? Why can nothing seem truely real unless clouds are covering the sky like they do for eight months straight, here? It's probably just the mood I get in sometimes.

The thing is, all I want to do with my life is something that school won't help me with. I want to help people, all people, old, young, drug addicts, over active teens. Everyone. I don't want to stay stationary and I certainly don't want to sit in a cubical all day. I want to help, do something to make me feel better about myself, but mostly to help a person see that they are something, as well.

This feeling had only intensified over the years, as I've had trouble and gotten through some of my own issues, and I asked for no help... Nothing. I wanted no one in my business, and I never let them. And then one of my best friends went through issues worse than mine a few years back, and I didn't know until it was over and done, and I should have... I really should have.

Last year Allie and I met a girl who was new to the school. She was different from everyone, and had one friend who was already there when she came. Her friend was completely different from her, someone I still can't believe she hangs around with... Where one is reserved, the other plasters herself everywhere... where one you could trust with anything, the other goes and tells someone as soon as she can.

Allie and I hit it off with this girl right off, and I could tell that she wasn't exactly...happy. She was acting like my other friend did the year before, but I wasn't friends enough to ask if I could do anything to help. She became closer to us, to the point where we're extremely close, today.

one thing I'll nevr forget her telling me is this...

"Jeni, you and Allie have done so much... I actually know what it's like to have a real friend, now, and I feel like coming to school is something to look forward to instead of something to dread."

It was said nonchalantly, like I should already know it, and being the baby I am, I cried, because all we did was be good friends to her. She stopped cutting... stopped hating and blaming herself for things. If we could help her by just being her friends...what else could we do?

I just finished a book today by the title, "Go Ask Alice." It was the diary of a fifteen year old drug addict, and it was one of the best books I have ever read. I read about anything and everything, and man, this was an awesome read. It was sad, a lot of it made me cry-I'm a baby, remember?-and the way it ended, though I knew it was coming, was a blow. If you're looking for a good read, I reccomend it. There is no listed author, but just google it or go to amazon.

A girl around my age died in a wreck he other day... I didn't know her, but a girl I work with did. It shows you how fragil life is, and how you have to live it and do what you can with the time you have left. She went to my church, and you know? It made me feel almost... elated? Like yeah, she would be fine because she was a practicing Catholic, that God would take care of her.

My, I'm feeling rather inspirational tonight.

God bless,
Jeni

That's Right.

License? Have it.
Braces? Off.
Writing? Working on it. I have a few chapters written and little snipits-which is good, because it's as far as I've ever gotten in writing... Also working on something with Allie, but that's just for fun.
Aendraste? Keiran's amazing. And I'm finally working on another character.
Life? is good.
School? Is back in session.
People? Are pretty much all right at present. The only person I cannot tolerate is a girl who sits at our lunch table. Or, I guess I'm really sitting at their lunch table, as I came this semester. But she doesn't like me for some reason that I can't exactly point out.
Twende? Is my lovely horse....who is losing his hair, and it isn't just shedding. It's falling out. Don't ask...long story, but it should start growing in again now.
Work? Is as bad as usual. I don't know what it is about that place and its ability to completelty stress me out and make me nervous. I want to quit and go somewhere else so badly, but I love, love, LOVE the people I work with, and I don't want to leave them. It's the coustomers I can't handle.

So, everything is pretty good, and I hope it stays like that. There's something nagging at me, and I can't quite place it. It feels wrong, but I don't know how to tell what it is and I have no idea what to do about it. Sometimes I feel like I'm anxious or panicky for no real reason at all, and when I try to think about why I'm feeling like I'm so tense, I can't think of why, but I also can't relax.

It feels like something is building up... But I'm so extremely paranoid that that is probably what it is... But I don't know. Nothing to do but take it as it comes, right?

OH, you should check this out. Sometimes I have too much fun with random stuff, and I really, really love this.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/clichehorrorfilm/

Last Weekend

Life has become increasingly busy for me over the past few weeks. The thing is, though, that I have picked up nothing new, and I'm doing nothing more in anything I've done. Explaination? I'm getting more into things, and getting happier with them as I do so. It used to be like almost a daily motion, but now, I actually realize what I'm doing. It's almost like waking up again.

But why has it felt that way for me? Well, winter almost always does this kind of...for lack of a better word, thing to me. Like I have issues doing everyday things, and I dread things even more. But that point has passed for the time being, and I'm extremely happy it's gone.

Last weekend was amazing, just completely so, and it all started on Thursday night, actually. Thursday night after I got home from the barn, I trecked over to Allie's house so I could spend some time with her on her birthday. We watched Across the Universe, and made the general rounds we do at her house. I had given her her present when we got to school that morning-100 sticky, glow-in-the-dark stars and tickets to see Making April in March [!!!]-so we pretty much just hung out there. Then I went home, went to bed,a nd it was time for Friday. Well, Friday at school was pretty uneventfu, but that night we met our friends at the school and saw Shakespeare Abridged ENCORE. On Saturday night, Allie and I met up with some friends at a resteraunt, hung out there for an hour and half, then went to Walgreens-in dresses and heels, no less, in the snow, then went to the school for the dance. There are some pretty...bad pictures of us there, but we had fun, and every single last one of us was sore the next few days. On Sunday, I had to work, but when I got off, Allie and I went to our friend Carrie's birthday party, and we bowled until midnight, then finally went home and crashed. Monday, we had the day off, and all I did was work on a progect for three hours with Allie, and then reward ourselves with a movie for actually working. We got caught in a white out coming home. Not fun.

anyway...rambles...

bye. =]

Opinions

Opinions... the grace of God, as I'm sure many people see it. We have the freedom to have one, be it in politics, color, or even religion... We can express those opinions in any way we wish, so long as it does not hurt an individual, or cause a panic, or it seems, if it goes against the general consensus.

I may come off as extremely quiet, but I am so very stubborn and have exceedingly strong opinions. When someone gets me mad or upset, I usually go with these opinions, and in general, people respect what I have to say. There are always those that will disagree, usually, acutally, but they almost always hear you out. Well, I have found evidence that it doesn't matter what my opinion is in one place, because they will shoot me down and gang up on me no matter what I say.

It isn't in an outside world thing I'm speaking of, but on a forum that I found, and a place where I thought it was time to throw in an opinion that differed from everyone else's, and also, because their posts were upsetting me BECAUSE they were just letting things roll off their tongues, putting no thought at all behind them.

All I said was that I don't care who you are, respect is a must to a person in autority, I don't CARE how much you hate them. If you want to disrespect them, do it in a way that isn't completely idiotic, please, and don't sit there complaining about how BAD it is and do NOTHING. I don't sympathize with those people.

GET UP and DO something. And if you can't, then my apologies, but when you CAN, then take a stand.

Oh, and when you're responding to someone who made a rather POLITE comment, don't comment back to me, cursing at me and throwing insults, because I don't care how you say it, and it only makes it look ignortant.

In the World of Test Takers

While the last few weeks have been much less than exciting and extremely heart-wrenching, I actually find myself in better spirits than I would have ever though at this point in the game. There isn't much I can do about a lot of the things that have happened lately, and I'm not about to try and change them, because it will only succeed in putting me in one of those awesomely bad moods.

This week I have exams, actually, I'm done with five of them, and I only have two left, but of course, those are the ones that I will not do so well on. On Tuesday, I had my theatre exam first, and geeze, that was not a good way to start out the week. I had to do a project that was due last Thursday, but I was gone all week [except Friday] and got an extension, so I had to present it in the exam period, and then BS my way through an entire semester of theatre history. I'm thinking I didn't do too well on the quiz part. Next was English, which was, surprisingly enough with my teacher, exceedingly easy. Then geometry... oh, geeze, geometry. The bane of my existence, the one subject in which I never cease to say, "Huh?" on a daily basis... and the test was far easier than I EVER expected it to be.

Imagine that.

When we got home after school, Allie and I hung around for an hour then went to crew for Beauty and the Beast, which was pretty much amazing, even if the set IS purple. Last time we went, we were building a cottage, and it fell on me...this time, we were putting up a door, and it fell on me. Good thing I signed that waver, I guess.

Today, I had my journalism exam, which was better than I thought it would be, really. Then, History. I swear, I thought he was going to bite our heads off when Allie and I asked him to sign out Challenge Day things...geeze, man, get a sense of humor, please. And then we were done at 11:10! Ole!

Tomorrow, I have biology and Spanish...both of which I would never reccomend to anyone.

I'm off to study, good bye, all.

Sarcastic Complaints

Did I really think that nothing could ever be as bad as four hours in a classroom, learning about the rules and laws of driving? Those six days never seemed like they would end, and when they finally did, all I felt like was that I had wasted twenty-four hours of my life, learning things I already knew. But what else can I do, I thought to myself. There is no way I'm waiting until I'm eighteen to get my licence.

Oh, silly Jeni. There are things much worse than wasting time in a classroom, and they come in the form of in-cars.

For those who have no idea what these are, they're just when a driving instructor comes to pick you up at your home, and you drive around with them in the car for two hours. Seems harmless, yes? Wrong. I am a mostly anti-social person who will not really speak unless spoken to, and even then I need some prodding. Yes, I realize that this is not good, my parents have told me, but in all honesty, where else have I learned it from rather than them? They're almost worse than I am, so I want to hear nothing else.

Anyway, she came and picked me up, and I got yelled at as soon as I sat down, because I "approached the car from the wrong direction." ... I'm sorry that my house is on the right side of the car, ma'am, but excuse me, I'll make sure to come at you from the woods next time. Of course, I didn't say this, I just apologized and started to adjust things. Then she asked to see my temps, and I got the card and the paper out. When I handed her the paper, she held it for a second, looking at me, and I her. That went on for about thirty seconds before I said, "Um..." And she rolled her eyes and turned to the paper, leaving me there bewildered. Um, thanks?

Then she proceeded to walk me through starting the car like I was five. Thank, lady, but I've driven before, and I don't need you to walk me through it step by step... Yes, I do know how to put the keys in, thanks for asking. No, really? I have to adjust the mirror so I can see out of it? Huh. I have to scoot the seat up so I can reach the pedals, who would have 'thunk? Sarcasm aside, I knew all this, and she told me as I was trying to do it. The car is unfamiliar, I'm used to driving a big jeep or van, so bare with me as I downscale.

Maneuverability.... oh, god, it will be the death of me. Guess how many cones I knocked down? Just guess .

That's right-two, knocked them down and dragged them. Guess how many I hit? Two. Lucky numbed, eh? Two hours in the car, two cones knocked down, two cones hit!

In all fairness, it was my first time ever, but did she have to be so rude about it? "*sigh* No, Jeni, the other way!" "STOP!" "Stop the car. Turn it off. Now get out and set the cones up again, and don't you dare knock them over again." "Are you aggravated? Yes? Well, you shouldn't get that way."

*fume*

Maybe not so bad sounding, but you know what? It all has to do with the voice they use while they say it, and I thought I was going to leap across the seat and stangle her.

When it was finally over, I had to go pick up another kid who's about my age. No big deal, right? Maybe not for those of you who enjoy meeting new people, those who love introductions. She made us stand outside of the effing car, shake hands, and introduce ourselves. Guess who wanted to go lay down in front of the next passing car by this time?

Now I'm home, finally, but I don't get to chill out. No, instead I have to go work for six hours, and do it all over again tomorrow. Whoever comes today at work had best be nice, because I'm already livid enough that I could hit something....

Until next time,
Jeni

Illness and lack of good judgement

Eck. If ever you wanted to torture me for some reason, find a way to get me sick.



I don't get sick, ever. In the last five years, I've only missed school once [now twice] because I felt bad enough to be in bed all day. Thursday night/Friday morning, I shook for three hours before I had enough sense to down some advil. Then, I told my dad, "There is no way I am going to school today." and went back to bed. I slept in until noon, which I haven't done in ages, then I went to the barn, where I felt so dizzy I nearly fell off, and then I went home to make myself look lively enough that my parents would allow me to go out with Shelby and Allie.



We went downtown to the Cafe on campus to see a school band that plays a bunch of classic rock covers, and a lot of their own music. We're friends with the bassist, who is pretty much amazing, and we watched them perform there. They were supposed to go on at eight, but the band before them played over, so they were forced to cut their set short, they had another show they had to go to, and Shelby, Allie, and I sat in the front, and there were probably about twenty people watching them. After they played at the Cafe, we followed the band to the undercroft of a church to watch their second set. That was even better, because they did a The Who cover, a Boston cover, and a The Eagles cover, plus some of their new and older music.

Then, we all came back to my house until about midnight, when they went home and I crashed. This morning, I'm still feeling dizzy and light headed, and know it was probably against my better judgement to go out last night, but, you know? I don't care. =]

I'm going to go watch the game, now. [I know! Jeni and football? It seems inconceivable]